Close-up

It's always interesting to me to follow our discussions in my Doctrine and Covenants class, because on the very first day of class, my professor said that he wouldn't be focusing on teaching us how to apply the scriptures in our lives, but rather on the historical context of them. However, as I look through my notes later after class is over, my notes seem to be more similar to the way I would write in my scripture journal--full of thoughts, impressions, and applications to my own life. Sure, I also have the historical context of what we talk about in class, but my teacher is right: once we learn the how's and why's and what's of the historical aspects of the text, applying it becomes that much easier.

Last Tuesday, my notes for the day consisted mostly of these applications--bits of wisdom to help me in my life. I know we actually discussed some of them in class, but I think others of them were just things I decided to jot down. One of the things that I've thought a lot about recently is the idea of being a Sunday-only member of your faith--whether Catholic, Lutheran, Mormon, Jewish, Muslim, or whatever. I guess it basically just comes down to living up to your convictions. We were talking about how in the early days of the church, a lot of people were angry with Joseph Smith for being a prophet who influenced the way they lived their lives on the other days of the week besides just Sunday. I think this is more common than just an issue in the early days of the Latter-day Saints--I think it's present in every religion, all throughout history. I'm certainly guilty of it at times. Though I have very specific, certain things that I believe and I believe in them wholeheartedly, there are times where in the moment I don't want to act like I believe the things I do.

Technically speaking, I believe that being messy isn't a very good thing, that procrastinating is kind of lame, and that it's important to really study the scriptures every day--more than just reading them. However, I am sitting in a messy room, I procrastinated beginning my homework for quite a while earlier tonight, and I haven't studied scriptures yet today. So why do I do this?

I'm not perfect. I mess up. I don't always live up to my convictions. And you know, even though I believe very strongly in the values and standards that my church espouses, just like those early Latter-day Saints, I too have a hard time living them every day of the week. I guess that's why I'm here. I have to learn to do the best I can with what I have. I need to learn to live my religion seven days a week, as best as I possibly can. Even though I mess up, I'll just keep trying. Though the early Saints sometimes got angry with Joseph Smith for telling them things that the Lord wanted them to do that were "too hard," I'm going to try harder not to do that. I'm going to try harder not to grumble, mumble, and inwardly rebel against my beliefs and convictions that I know to be true. Hopefully one of these days I'll actually be able to tell a difference.

In the meantime, I guess I just beg the rest of the world to remember that I'm still trying. Please remember that I'm human too and I'm just trying like everyone else to do the right thing..and that I'll mess up every now and again.

I feel kind of like the Little Engine that Could: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the significance of words. I guess you could say that making sure that I have the right word in the right place at the right time is a minor obsession of mine. (And yet I still make mistakes in expressing myself so, so often...hmm...) Most of what I've been thinking about has been in relation to words in communication and conversation with others. Now, I am not a quiet, sit-on-the-sidelines kind of person, especially if a subject comes up that I feel strongly about. Generally, if I have an opinion about something and it's important to me, I am anxious to voice it and explain what I think and why. The interesting thing is, nearly all of my dearest friends are the same way. We love to discuss things--anything from politics to books to what we can and can't wear to whether butter on your bread is better at room temperature or refrigerated. (Definitely room temp, by the way.) And yet, we have never fought or dealt with typical roommate girl drama. Naturally, we disagree about many things and sometimes try to make the other person understand our point of view a little too hard (I think I'm probably the most guilty here), but we've never really fought or been angry with one another. So why? Why is it that six girls who have such strong opinions about so many things and who know each other so well manage to get out of arguments like that?

I think it kind of has to do with something that we talked about in Doctrine and Covenants the other day. We read a verse talking about "jarrings" in the scriptural context, and someone asked what that words meant. After a bit of discussion, someone else said that they thought it meant getting into heated discussions or debates that feel contentious and unkind, even if they aren't straight-up arguments. I agree with that. And I guess that's why I've felt like my discussions with my wonderful roommates don't turn into fights or arguments--they aren't "jarrings." As soon as it starts to feel unkind or like any one of us is being too pushy, everyone present seems to take the cue to back off. We all try to calm down the tone of our words, and everyone apologizes for getting too worked up. I even received a text message the other day from one of these lovely, beautiful girls apologizing for beginning to be contentious in a conversation we'd had. And really, I was the one who was more at fault than she.

I guess it just boils down to how important sensitivity in our communication is. I don't think you have to sacrifice clarity or opinion for the sake of speaking kindly. I don't think you have to be a doormat either. But I look at the people with whom I feel the safest and that I trust the most, and invariably, they are the people that are the kindest in their manner of speaking to me. Unfortunately, the reason I've been thinking about it and noticing it so much is because it's something that I am trying desperately to work on--to be more gentle in my speech and more loving and accepting in my words. Speaking of which, this is getting long. Guess I've waxed a little eloquent. It's interesting to notice though. Maybe the more I notice the kindness of others, the better I'll be able to be at ridding my conversation of these "jarrings" and critical, contentious words.